How do I Accept myself as a victim of abuse and ways to change?

Some background, some drama

In terms of your health, happiness and values, one of the worst things that can happen is to live with a resentful, angry or emotionally abusive partner. The worst thing you can is develop a victim identity which destroys personal power and undermines the sense of self. It makes you falsely identify with "damage" done to you. It is important to stop the abuse and also overcome victim identity through a strong identification with your inherent strengths, talents, skills, power and appreciation of the self as a unique, ever-growing, competent, and compassionate person. And you can accomplish this through an emphasis on healing, growth, and empowerment.

Do’s and Don’ts

As you experience the enormous depth of your core value, the last thing you will want to do is identify with being a victim or a survivor. You want to outgrow walking on eggshells, not simply survive it and you do that only by realizing your fullest value as a person.

The “How Do I" series tries to list down a few Do’s and don’ts to help you first accept yourself as a victim and eventually free yourself from a victim mentality. It will help and guide you in your healing process.


  • Learn to take personal responsibility of your life, which will help you overcome self-esteem problems and curb victim mentality.
  • Make a list of some of the areas in your life you would like to take more control over and strive for problem solving solutions.
  • Learn to forgive even if someone has hurt you. Give yourself some validation even if you are harbouring negative feelings. When you learn to forgive and try to move forward, the less of a burden this is for you.
  • If needed, seek out support with the help of a therapist or counsellor.
  • Focusing on the past isn’t serving you. Living for the present and planning for the future will help you to get past the victim shadow.
  • Rather than focusing on what you don’t have or what happened look at everything you do have. Think of all that you have to be grateful for and often times your focus will be on the positive not the negative.
  • Give yourself a break. Getting out of a victim mentality can be hard. Some days you will slip. Be okay with that.
  • Be nice to yourself. If you have to be perfect then one little slip is made into a big problem and may cause you to spiral down into a very negative place for many days.


  • Don’t suffer silently. Communicate, seek help if needed and confide in trusted people.
  • Don’t be angry or feel helpless and understand that you are responsible for your own life. Decide to do something about it and get help if you need it.
  • Don’t automatically believe your negative thoughts. Instead, question them. Do whatever you can to be positive.
  • Don’t be a victim of abuse. Stand up for yourself.
  • Don’t lose direction in life. Life is too short to waste it away.

Last words

Hardly a day goes by that we don’t complain, criticize, blame, gossip or compare ourselves to other people. But sometimes playing the victim only limits what we’re actually capable of.

You don’t have to be a victim, truly the only one who makes you feel like one is the same person who can free you - you!

Sources and citations